How To Handle a Drug Dealer, According to a Drug Dealer

You’re mid-pre drinking, attending an ill-fated afterparty, or gearing up for the much-awaited Summer of Love season. Those three scenarios have one thing in common – they all culminate in the same nail-biting rendez-vous with the mighty drug dealer. 

Making illicit provisions isn’t as easy peasy as your 2 AM munchies-inducing journey to the local shop. As a matter of fact, buying drugs is illegal. Yes, we know you don’t do them. Neither do your friends or any other distant acquaintances you might have.

This is why the illicit narcotics trade is a thriving economy where $150 billion gets spent on drugs yearly in the US alone. 

For such a mammoth marketplace, there are no good manners codes to oil the wheels of a transaction where nobody gets behind bars, stir-crazy, or just purely, absolutely and unapologetically pissed.

While guidance in the murky territory of your drug dealer’s car remains common sense-driven, our psychoactive substance entrepreneurs irk in silence at their clientele’s rookish practices. 

The transaction is unregulated, but good manners are on the table

Mind you, this adulthood version of the candyman is putting his ass, freedom, and criminal record on the line so you can puff a spliff and snort some horse tranquilizer.

His selfless commitment deserves at least a transactional approach that doesn’t scream ‘I am a flat-out amateur who never bought drugs before.’

No, you can’t ask your illegal substances salesman to roll your joint.

Forget about begging him to drive you back home as if he is your bestie – especially when you live miles away.

And please, don’t consider the driver’s window as the elbow room for under-the-table payments. 

The days when you cheesed off your drug dealer with uncalled-for 20 questions games and spammy texts are now sepia history.

Since nobody knows how those affairs can go smooth from A to Z better than the drug dealer himself, we asked Jay how you can buy drugs without being a pain in the ass.   

Ladies and gents, the anxiety-inducing icebreaker 

Palms get uber-sweaty, heart rate goes through the roof, and dozens of gone-wrong-text-exchange scenarios monopolize your mind. Making the first move will forever be a social minefield, especially when you have no clue who will pick up the phone, how friendly you can get and what to ask for. 

But texting your drug dealer first is not far from your average networking event. Picture this: you go to a random HR assistant and ask him, “Hey, are you the guy with jobs?” your sole feedback will be a baffled grimace seasoned with some obvious repulsion.

If you’re nodding thinking this is common sense, why would you text a drug dealer “Bro, I need two grams of coke” or “Yo, have you got some ecstasy?”. 

“There is fear on both sides of the transaction,” Jay says. “People don’t know who they are talking to, but the same goes for me. I could be talking with a police officer, so don’t be surprised if you get the seen treatment – especially when your text smells fishy,” he further adds. 

If you aren’t eager to give your drug dealer an elevator pitch about where you got his number from, who you are, and where you can meet him, at least learn some non-wasteman texting etiquette. 

While ubiquitous terms like snow, Charlie, Mandy, and trees are way too common to be socially acceptable, Jay says you can get creative with them.

“Someone texted me saying they feel like crashing a wedding and sent their location,” Jay recalls. “It took me a second to realize they were referring to the wedding crashers weed strain. Shit was smart,” he says. 

Texting oozes the safe zone vibe, but it is a rather disliked practice in the drug dealing realm. Your text-based convo can easily translate into written proof for a future drug offense. “It’s better to just call instead – but that doesn’t mean you should drop the slang,” Jay points out. 

Be anything but sloppy 

Drug dealing is not like ordering a food takeaway. If you fill the notes section with a short essay about your garlic allergy and still get the garlic mayo on your burger, you get a refund. 

But your consumer rights fly out the window when you enter your drug dealer’s car. You can’t dial up consumer protection’s number because you got three grams instead of four. 

Nor is there any law that could save the rubbishy transaction where you got a mix of talcum powder and crushed Paracetamol instead of cocaine. In all truth, you are at the mercy of your G. 

And your drug dealer doesn’t hate anything more than a Karen behaviour that will make the eyes of the law pop. 

“Don’t be bait, but don’t look anxious either. Nobody will harm you,” Jay says. “When you’re sweating like crazy and checking the driveway every two seconds, you are pretty much a walking tip-off,” he continues.

But nothing gets on a drug dealer’s wick more than meeting up with a real-life replica of Fry’s infamous ‘Shut up and take my money!’ meme. 

Jay advises first-time players to keep the cash anywhere but in sight. Besides adding a layer of fishiness, it is all that your annoying neighbor needs to give the cops a nighttime read of your drug dealer’s license plate.

“That is the number one rule,” Jay reveals. “The number of people that don’t know this is incredible. Like, are you trying to get both of us caught?”

Although most rookie buyers feel tempted to stop by the driver’s seat and shove the money down the window, the go-to procedure is to get in the car. “Not in the back, though. I’m not Ubering you,” Jay adds. “Try to make it as natural as possible. Imagine you’re dropping something off to a friend.”

Never spam with texts or calls 

In the age of same-day deliveries, consumers think that with two clicks, they will spawn their lusted-after products at their doorstep in two seconds. But drug dealers are independent salesmen – a status that can be spelled out as hectic schedules, working around the clock and endless chains of meetings.

They also have free days, cut-off times, and probably full-time jobs on the side.

Drug dealers’ claws aren’t always there to catch you – especially when your thirsty soul is craving white lines at 5 AM on a Thursday.

“There is no need to spam me. Don’t worry, your call went through, I am just not there to pick it up,” Jay explains. 

You might think your drug dealer is a bad texter. In all honesty, there will be moments when you’ll think he is the kind of person who watches the call go through just to text “Hey, I wasn’t around, what’s up?” five hours later.

In reality, he has a burner phone that’s not glued to his hand 24/7. 

The same rule of thumb applies when your beloved d-boy is en route.

“I always say I will be there in 20 minutes, but that rarely happens,” Jay affirms. “It’s not about being punctual. It’s more about the number of pings I get. If your location is the farthest, you will be the last drop off.”

But your drug dealer is not leaving you hanging – it’s just going to take him a while. Next time you want to double call or text, sit tight and watch your favorite show until you get the much-awaited “Here now” text. “I am out here risking my life so you can get high. You can wait for another 20 minutes.”

He is your drug dealer, not your best friend

Favoritism is off-track. Drug dealing is illegal enough to send both of you behind bars, but it is still a somehow professional two-way transaction. Your local G’s car is not the place to haggle for ‘buy three get four’ deals.

This is not Black Friday and your drug dealer isn’t the do-gooder best friend with a soft spot for special rates. 

“Clients live with the impression that the whole thing will be unregulated just because it is illegal. Good morning sunshine, this is still a seller-customer relationship,” Jay reveals.

But the list of hoped-for favors doesn’t stop here. According to Jay’s customer service experience, getting asked to roll a joint or split an MDMA gram into bombs aren’t out of the picture either. 

While this behavior doesn’t necessarily fall into the bad manners while gearing up category, it is one of your drug dealer’s pet peeves.

Depending on the mood, he will either decline or accept your request – but he will completely loathe it every time.

For a migraine-free business deal, Jay recommends to “go incognito on Google and save your beloved G the headache.”

Down to the cash 

Cash-in-hand, bank notes, no need for change – this is the mighty trio in the drug dealing realm. “Always have the cash ready,” Jay advises. “I won’t wait around and lie low until you go to the ATM – I’ve got a business to manage.” According to the drug dealer, not having the money on you comes off as a red flag for the respect you have towards your candyman. 

The same goes for not having the fixed sum. Assuming this is a local shop where change is always granted shows you live in a utopian universe that has no point of intersection with real life. 

“I pay rent and bills too,” Jay says. “I live the same life as you do – at least from the expenses point of view. I have fair prices, I deliver to your house, so I expect the same level of respect.”

But there is always a winner that takes it all. If we listen to Jay, “paying in change is the ultimate irk” that a drug dealer can stumble upon.

A few coins will pass the test, but paying the whole amount in quarters will tip him off the edge enough to drive away. 

“Change is always welcome, but in reasonable amounts,” Jake affirms. “I once met someone who brought a bag of 50-something coins. As a matter of fact, no drug dealer will accept that. We don’t really want to spend more than a few seconds counting the money.”

If we listen to Jay, a big chunk of the good manners code sits on politeness. At the end of the day, you’re doing a business deal with someone who puts everything at risk so he can earn some money and you can get high. 

Saying thank you and asking about his day should also be part of your meeting-up vocabulary. “Being polite goes a long way. You never know when that will earn you a joint on the house.”

Names have been changed to protect the integrity of the interviewee.